Funferal

There’s something rotten in the state of Ireland

September 28th, 2002 | by aobaoill |

The second interim report of the Flood Tribunal is out, and has led to headlines such as Burke corruption findings put pressure on Taoiseach. I say this – and provide the heading above – not with a sense of glee, but a certain hope that this process will prove not just cathartic, but help move Ireland towards a ‘healthier’ relationship with truth and political power. And, of course, a sense of vindication for those, from Labour and elsewhere who had stood up to counter people such as Burke…

On a slightly fun note, the report has led to a spate of emails, such as the one transcribed below. Is it better that a diligent search on Google indicates that its more apocryphal than fact?
—
To: andrew@funferal.org
From: A friend

A true story, of course. Many many years ago, around mid December, and Ireland has a new Minister for Foreign Affairs. For argument’s sake let’s just call him Rambo (an arbitrary name picked at random from our Halliwell Film Guide). He’s only been in the job for a few months, and he’s just about getting to grips with it, but he’s still not always sure about what to do. Suddenly the phone rings..

“Yeess…” Rambo says, a tad reticent after his secretary has explained that an American journalist is on line three.

“Good morning Minister. This is Mike Giordano from the New York Times. I’d like to know what you want for a Christmas present.”

“Eh, Christmas present… Eh… I’m very sorry Mike, I can’t accept any gifts, we have this new rule about bribery and corruption and political favours, but thanks anyway.”

“Yes, er, of course… I understand,” said Mike, “bye then.”

“Goodbye Mike, nice talking to you,” Rambo said, thinking this was a tad unusual, but he soon forgot about it, and went back to the normal routine.

That evening the phone rings again.

“Yes, this is the Minister speaking…”

“Hello Minister. This is Mike Giordano from the New York Times again. I’m just wondering if you’re really serious about what you said this morning?”

“Ah.. Hello… Eh…. yes, unfortunately I meant it. You see, we’re not allowed to accept personal gifts. They could be seen as bribes, and I don’t want to cause any scandal. I’m very sorry, but I hope you understand…”

“Yes, of course… No problem… sorry… bye.”

“Goodbye.”

That was a bit wierd, Rambo thought to himself. Didn’t the journo believe what he had said? Maybe some misunderstanding. “Perhaps he had a problem with my Irish accent,” he surmised.

The next morning the phone rings again.

“Yes, this is the Minister.”

“Hello Minister. Mike Giordano again. I suppose you know what I want?”

“Yes I know, I know,” he said, not without some irritation this time. “I thought I explained why I can’t accept any gifts.”

“Yeah you did, but I don’t think you…”

“Yes, yes, I understand,” Rambo said, quite angrily now. “I understand perfectly well. What do you want really? Do you want to get me shot, or what? Anyway, you won’t have any success, I’ll do this strictly by the book. No… Hold on a sec. Now I know. I want a fruit bowl!” (Thinking on his feet, Rambo is 100% sure that a fruit bowl is absolutely harmless, it’s not exactly worth thousands of punts is it, so it’s hardly likely to cause any scandal.)

“A fruit bowl??? Are you serious?”

“Yes. A fruit bowl. Is there anything wrong with a fruit bowl?”

“No. Nothing wrong, but a bit unusual maybe.”

“Unusual??? Well that doesn’t matter, does it?”

“No. Of course not. Merry Christmas then, and bye bye.”

“Bye so, and eh, Merry Christmas.”

The following week, Mike’s article finally appears in the New York Times…

What The Foreign Ministers Around The World Want For Christmas

During a few hectic days, I’ve been calling all the embassies and governments overseas, and asking their foreign Ministers what they want for Christmas.

This is the result.

EUROPEAN COUNTRIES:

Great Britain: “Good economic welfare”
Germany: “Even better east-west relations”
France: “Free trade between Europe and the US.”
Switzerland: “Better European cooperation,
better US relations and world peace.”
Sweden: “End of the starvation in the third world.”
Belgium: “Better environmental care.”
Ireland: “A fruit bowl.”
posted by Andrew 2:06 AM